I have one thing to say to anyone who is struggling with anything in their life at this current moment: Go outside!
Life builds up crud. Crud clogs up our life-force and keeps things from functioning properly. Whether that crud is built of relationship stress, financial stress, worries about final exams or trying to get your child to poop after too many days, we've all got it. Does it build up quicker around the holidays? Yes. My Thanksgiving week started with a pediatric well-check, three shots which put the kid out of sorts for a week, cooking, cooking, cooking (the fun part, though exhausting), followed by a hasty eating of the delicious food while the kid cried the entire time. Finally decided she must be allergic to cats. Then my busy week caught up with me, and I was reminded that I am in fact growing a human being whilst caring for said crying child, attempting to keep the house from piling up with mysterious messes which smell like funk, and then all of a sudden, my child stopped sleeping.
That's right. When I finally realized that I ran myself into the ground having too much fun, my child (who I might remind you has slept through the night every night since two months old) decided she needed to wake up at 5 am, simply to wander the house in a defiant, though sleepy stupor and cry. Day one, I rolled with it, and did prenatal yoga while she drank milk and watched. Day two, if she was going to be miserable, you best believe mommy was going to be miserable too.
To say the least, after these eventful and tiring weeks, I spent last night bawling my eyes into my pillow, telling my husband about every single thing that wasn't perfectly organized, arranged and dusted in the whole house, how the world would end because there's dirty dishes in the sink, and how the dog poop is the main reason why my life is horribly intolerable right now.
This morning the girl cried out at 5 am. I immediately began to beg Heavenly Father to solve her problem so I wouldn't have to. Does that sound like horrible parenting? Say what you will, but if faith can move mountains, it can certainly keep a diaper dry for longer, right? Well I tested my faith by staying in bed, and four and a half hours later, I counted the miracle. We slept until 930 am! And she was still quietly, happily sleeping!
I had the energy to clean. I could have done all the dishes and started some laundry before the girl even began to stir. I could have organized the piles of junk on my husband's desk, and finished installing the cabinet locks in the kitchen.
No.
I could have spent my time and energy fixing all the problems that have been built up by daily life with a kid, but I would have ignored the problems that have been built up by putting everything else before myself. Having a clean carpet makes me feel accomplished, but does it nourish my soul? Does a shiny, empty sink encourage me to ponder the beauty of life? Is breathing in the yummy scent of Swiffer cleaner equivalent to a literal breath of fresh air?
So this morning, I brushed my teeth and went into high gear! I packed pb & j, milk, cheese and an orange for me and the girl, threw her into a pair of shoes, and we were gone. We met a friend at Sabino Canyon, and hit that little dirt road, with a cold bottle of water and a cup of milk. The sun was perfectly warm, with a cool wind on our skin. Juliet kicked and giggled as her hair flew in every direction. We made it to the bridge, and there was water running! Both of the babies loved it! They got to hear a bubbling stream, not a usual experience. Juliet tasted all the rocks, sand and sticks, and even made two ducks very happy by sharing her cheese. She absolutely loved them, as she gestured for them to come closer to her, she bubbled with excitement. And as I wanted to run for my camera, I realized that I left my phone in my car.
So here's my second suggestion to anyone who is struggling with anything right now: Leave your phone.
I love taking pictures of my kid. As a photographer, I can't help myself. But in this moment, the first true interaction my child got to have with a duck, on the sandy edge of a stream, with the brisk wind encouraging her to truly experiment, and try, and live, I had no choice but to be 100% present. No worries about focus or filters or composition. I got to be there with my daughter for a few minutes, with nothing else that mattered in the whole world, and just live. And of course I had to continue tricking the ducks with rock "treats" after we ran out of cheese. Eventually they realized I was being cheap, but my daughter loved it. And I loved being there with her. And these are the moments that remind me why I stopped my education, gave up being the star of the class, to get poop under my nails, and peanut butter on my shirts. And seeing her clever grin as she attempted to also trick the ducks into eating a rock made me realize why, in all of my craziest ideas, I decided to have a second child so soon. Because I love this one so much. How could I resist having another?
Soon we checked the time, and realized that we had places to be, and people to see, and we rushed back down the trail to our cars, and the magical moment was over. But we took the time to clear out the crud that was blocking up our souls. I may be sitting on my couch which is stained with dog snot, surrounded by piles that smell like funk (oh, and those dishes are still in the sink), but I am breathing fresh air. The edginess that grew with my stress has smoothed over, Juliet was smiling wider, and is now sleeping sounder. I have an inspired idea about how to treat a Christmas with no money for gifts.
My day is better. My pregnancy is better. I am better. All because I decided to go outside.
~Compliments and thanks to my new-found friend Lorraine, who helped me realize that it's okay to make time for me.
