Trial.

So I need to have a moment of complete honesty.  Here goes: Pregnancy is the hardest thing that I have ever done.  I have rafted through the #1 most dangerous rapid in the Grand Canyon/Colorado River, I have jumped aussie off 120 foot cliffs, I have wandered the streets on New York by myself, I have snorkeled the surf in Hawaii, I have biked the streets in Tucson, for goodness' sake!  And here I am being slowly, physically, and emotionally broken apart by pregnancy.

Mentally, emotionally, physically, this is the biggest challenge I have ever put before myself (or within myself?).  I watch my body slip away every single day.  The body I've worked so hard to make strong and beautiful, is becoming pudgy and weak.  My muscles are so strained by the simplest things, like walking through the grocery store, that I then endure several days of the most painful and frustrating wrenching pains with the smallest of movements.

I was screened several weeks ago by my healthcare providers, and they told me I was at slight risk for depression.  At the time I thought they were crazy!  I was still within my second trimester, full of energy, happy, painting walls and creating nursery wall art, buying this, pricing that.  I told them that saying I was at risk for depression was preposterous!  I actually laughed at the woman.

Monday was the start of my third trimester.  I have cried every day since.  Not because there has been much physical difference, but because I can look back at the last 6 months with pride, but when I look forward, there's still a whole three months between me and my child... and between me and my body.  After a breakdown that nearly terrified my husband, I realized that there must be an explanation.  As a person who thrives off of adrenaline, I've been sitting dormant for nearly 6 months!  As a person who loves to push myself physically, to sweat, to more than often go to far or fast and hurt myself, I've been hiding in a bubble, to afraid to hurt my child.

I have always been a person who believes very strongly that any problem or any ailment can be healed by the power of will.  Positive thinking, and physical action together can conquer any fear, any trial.  I try my best to live within that principal.  So when I was able to say out loud that, "I think I am depressed," I became empowered.  My husband and I made a plan together, to start getting up before he leaves for work at 6:30 am, and go for a walk together.  It doesn't have to be far, or fast, but it has to happen every day.

We started yesterday, and yesterday was the first day that I didn't cry.  My body is a beautiful machine, and it is up to me to keep it healthy, and it will keep me happy.  I am grateful to my husband for being so willing to sacrifice his time to support me in this, the biggest challenge, and trial, that I have ever taken on.  This pregnancy will be beautiful.